urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax solong_astoriax solong_astoriax 2008-12-29T11:05:39Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:27806 2008-12-29T11:05:39Z 2008-12-29T11:05:39Z Im going to stop looking urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:27232 2008-06-11T13:18:09Z 2008-06-11T13:18:09Z Mystery jests- two doors down So, around this time last year I moved to Manchester for a change. To get away from bad people and places, things and people that were making me ill.<br /><br />When i think about my mindframe this time last year I actually can't beleive how much I've changed. <br /><br />I was so unhappy with my so called 'friends' one in particular, Macky was making my life hell to say the least, and I was just sinking further and further into this depression. So I made the choice to get away from it all. Take the chance while I could. Some people were supportive, some were not so supportive. But I knew I had to do it.<br /><br />I'm so glad i did. It changed me so much for the better, I did some stupid things, met some amazing girls, some amazing boys, some complete arseholes had good experiences, bad experiences and some downright crazy experiences andI wouldn't change one thing. <br /><br />Moving away helped me find out things about myself, for myself. Without a second opinion. Whoever said that you always need a second opinion obviously never tried growing up with a friend who resented you and magnified every flaw you were self concious about. My breakthrough moment ( and I use the word breakthrough very, very loosely, because I hate it) was when in Manchester, living with my sister,literally about 4 days after I moved we were talking, and I don't know how or why but we got onto the subject of being happy. She asked me if i was happy with myself, I said, well nothing, because I burst into tears, It was those horrible hiccupy tears when you can't breath and talk. That was when i knew i needed to change. I went out, got a job i loved met loads of people and grew more and more confident.<br /><br />I think just realisimg that i didn't have to pretend to be something i'm not and people would like me anyway. It was one of the hardest things to do, shedding this facade that I'd -unintentionally- put on over the past year. I think when i found out about Macky lying to me I put on this front as if i didn't care and wouldn't waste any time trying to get over what was a substantially solid, 2 year long relationship that went up in a puff of smoke in a metter of days. So I would go out,get completely hammered, sleep around to make myself feel better, end up feeling 10 times worse and inadvertantly do it all again the next night. It was a vicious circle. Overcoming that, and knocking down this brick wall i had built around me and letting people in was one of the bravest thiigs I have done, and no doubt one I'll never forget.<br /><br />In November last year I moved back home. Glasgow. I remember my bus journey back here, the butterflies in my stomach. For the first time I was excited to be here. I felt like I had changed and I could put it to good use.<br /><br />I got rid of my bleach blonde hair, i felt like it was overpowering me, i didn't need people to notice me that way. got a job that i LOVE and strated building my relationships again with close friends i've had in the past. what going away made me realise,friends who are real, true friends. The ones I feel completely at ease with, who make me feel happy, you can't fake it. and the friends who make you feel like crap aren't friends, and people grow apart. It's an easy assumption that if you've been friends with someone for nearly 10 years, and go to primary school. You get into the habit when you're a 10 year old girl of saying things like ''We'll be friends forever'' ands ''We'll grow old together and live together when we're older'' <br /><br />and I think that in itself creates a subconcious fear of losing that friend. It took me almost 10 years to realise that people grow apart. you're not the same person as when you were 10 years old when you're 19 and neither are your friends.<br /><br />To Be continued. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:26453 2008-01-21T12:39:53Z 2008-01-21T12:39:53Z I'm seriously considering dying my hair red.<br /><br />not red like i had it last time, but proper red. ginge!<br /><br />so bored of blonde hair, had it practically my whole life and i need something more mature and a bit different. <p><br /><br /><a href="http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/just_another_strokes_fan/?action=view&amp;current=O6735-f4a1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/just_another_strokes_fan/O6735-f4a1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br><a href="http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/just_another_strokes_fan/?action=view&amp;current=18467348.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/just_another_strokes_fan/18467348.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br><a href="http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/just_another_strokes_fan/?action=view&amp;current=332106240_045daaed82.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/just_another_strokes_fan/332106240_045daaed82.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br><a href="http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/just_another_strokes_fan/?action=view&amp;current=redhead-35164.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y204/just_another_strokes_fan/redhead-35164.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>.<br /><br />anyone know a good salon in glasgow to get colour done? cost isn't an issue, i just want it to be done well. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:26258 2008-01-21T10:44:16Z 2008-01-21T10:44:16Z i want a flat in park circus.<br /><br /><br />but for the meantime, who wants to get a flat? or let me move in with them? i've started looking, theres loads! I want a nice one though. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:25346 2008-01-07T11:57:43Z 2008-01-07T11:57:43Z when will i ever learn that the hangover from drinking tequila is like someone pouring vinegar into my eyesockets whilst clocking me on the head with a mallot<br /><br />complete undeniable torture. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:25317 2008-01-03T17:09:53Z 2008-01-03T17:09:53Z Happy New Year. <br /><br />I remember doing a post after last new year. haha i was fucking oblivious to the fact 07 was going to be so crazy.<br /><br /><br /><br />anyway, let's not fuck this one up. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:25038 2007-12-14T10:07:24Z 2007-12-14T10:07:24Z I've decided I'm applying for University next year. I got good grades in my highers and it's time i put them to good use.<br /><br />I just need to decide whether i want to study in Glasgow or Manchester. It's a big big decision because if it's somewhere i'm going to be living for the nex 3-4 years then I want to make the right choice<br /><br />So the shortlist of the Uni's that look the best and have what I'm looking for are:<br /><br />Glasgow:<br />University of the West of Scotland (Paisley Uni)<br />Glasgow Caledonian University<br />Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama(RSAMD)<br /><br />Manchester:<br />Royal Northern College of Music (RNCM)<br />Manchester College of Arts and Technology (MANCAT)<br />Manchester Metropolitan University (MMU)<br /><br />Quite a lengthy list eh? It's equal on both sides. like a damn circle!<br /><br />Argh it's so hard!!<br /><br />I lived in the student area in Manchester and it was a fucking riot every night. like amazing. So that would be the accomodation sorted there<br /><br />But i don't want to end up going there then missing home! but then I might regret it If i don't take the chance to get out of here and I'm stuck for the next few years!<br /><br />Can you say Catch 22?<br /><br /><br />I suppose this is why they have those Careers Scotland places. Might need to take a trip there before Christmas.<br /><br />I'm thinking of going down for New Year, just depends if anything good is going on up here. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:24745 2007-12-13T09:25:40Z 2007-12-13T09:25:40Z This is what you want. To marry a man who's good with his hands ;]<br /><br /><lj-embed id="2" /><br /><br />beauty. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:24267 2007-12-05T14:03:43Z 2007-12-05T14:03:43Z There's so much to write i don't think the world wide web has enough space so i'm just going to be really breif.<br /><br /><br />moved to Manchester<br /><br />6 months later moved back to Glasgow<br /><br />had loads of time to think<br /><br />some things or should i say, people have changed<br /><br />things have changed<br /><br />i miss some people that probably dont want to see me.<br /><br /><br /><br />i feel as though i've made a proper effort since i got back here to see everyone that i want to but it seems a lot has changed and i feel as though everyone has kind of 'moved on' from me. i dunno maybe im being silly<br /><br />anyways, if you're reading this get in touch if i've tried to get in touch with you coz i feel like a pure billy here now<br /><br />:) x urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:23897 2007-10-03T19:00:19Z 2007-10-03T19:00:19Z blah blah blah<br /><br /><br />THIS is the kind of people you want to be living with 24/7.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://pics.livejournal.com/solong_astoriax/pic/000049g2/"><img src="http://pics.livejournal.com/solong_astoriax/pic/000049g2/s320x240" width="320" height="240" border="0" /></a> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:23578 2007-08-18T15:15:02Z 2007-08-18T15:15:02Z where do i begin..<br /><br />tuesday - liverpool - my actions your exit<br /><br />was so so so rainy and wet ! typical northwest weather ! the gig was good, the van was smelly and doogus was steaming ! me doogus and macky ended up sleeping in the van outside this guys mansion which was practically in brookside btw ! woke up with a handbrake indented in my ribs. never saw brookside although on the bus i did see a street called brookside road ? i know it was called brookside close but still !!!<br /><br />set your goals on wednesday was fucking awesome. i've never met such a posi crowd as the manchester ones. all dancing, noone gives a shit ! after the gig i met adrian outside and pondered what to do, so we waited for the band to finish packing all their gear away and then everyone went to some shitey pizza place, pure boxy ! about 40 of us all gambling for the last slice of pizza ! actually ridiculous. we all walked to 5th ave to go there but by the time we got there it was too late so waited about and adrian and steve got me a taxi back ! total sweethearts !<br /><br />wednesday night was the last night i stayed in my sisters flat with her. i moved to fallowfield on thursday with 2 guys and 3 girls ! it's so so good having freedom to do whatever the fuck you want haha ! the contract for this flat is for a year aswell, so i'm definetly moved here now ! no going back !! until after next summer maybe!<br /><br />uhm i'm really confused on the boy front and i hate myself for fucking it up with chris. he acts like he's okay with it to my face but he tells other people how bad it is etc etc. it is bad, but to be honest, if he didn't play it so cool in the first place then i wouldn't have thought he wasn't interested and i wouldn't have done that with his 'mate'. <br /><br />anyway, plenty of other nice boys out there i'm sure who don't favour mindfucking as a method of dating. this guy last night at work held out his phone when i was serving him, he'd typed 'you are beautiful' it would have been really creepy if he wasn't so fucking cute! he looked like hellogoodbye singer :) so i took his phone and typed in my number, because that's the kind of boy you want !<br /><br />i actually have the best job interview ever on tuesday and the boys will love it and the girls will hate it ! hahaha that's all i'm saying ! ;]<br /><br />uhm anyway, i'm in a net cafe right now so fuck knows how much it is costing me to drivel on ! i don't know whether to go into work tonight or not, i know i really should but i need a night out. i'd get my arse kicked though. uggghh i dunno ! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:23083 2007-07-29T14:43:22Z 2007-07-29T14:43:22Z :D &lt;3&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3<br /><br /><br />'i've never met anyone quite like you before' urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:22799 2007-07-24T12:00:17Z 2007-07-24T12:00:17Z i hate your pretentious full stops everywhere. it's something not be toyed with. <br /><br /><br /> . all you like but your not making lasting impression. '3 .'<br /><br /><br />right now i'm eating fudge and listening to jeff buckley.<br /><br />i'm going to watch taxi driver on vhs and then maybe pulp fiction and smoke some cigarettes.<br /><br /><br />i have an interview tomorrow for the mint lounge, a burlesque club. exciting urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:22581 2007-07-24T01:24:40Z 2007-07-24T01:24:40Z the past week has actually been the weirdest ever<br /><br />i was waiting at the bus stop to go to work and this blue corsa speeded past so fast that the wind caught my face and made my eyes sting, i found myself tutting ''for fucks sake'' aloud <br /><br />anyway, whilst on the bus going down stockport road - the same long road that takes me into town - the bus stops and stalls for about 10 minutes continiously, and i'm wondering 'what the utter fuck', eventually the bus comes to a halt and loads of cars start overtaking into the bus lane, still oblivious to whats going on at this point.<br /><br /><br />so i look to the left of me onto the middle of the road and i see a girl (near dead) lying sprawled out in the middle of the road, you can tell from the way her body is bending all over the place that she has been thrown onto the ground with some force, knocked down maybe.<br /><br />so i look at the surroundings and all the people causing a fuss around her, paramedics appear, then i see something right next to the scene. a car. what kind? a blue corsa. <br /><br />theres so much more aswell thats happened aswell, a guy deciding to quit smoking whilst having a fag at a bus stop and giving me all his cigarettes haha, or this one guy who came up to me and started asking abouts my beleifs in god, he made me feel so guilty for what i beleive and i think that's really unfair. it wouldnt be that if athiests were to roam the streets preaching at people. also i left my tips at work tonight which pisses me off because i picked them up then got distracted again and went home.<br /><br /><br />at the moment i'm reading american physco by bret easton ellis. its such a good strong book, so strong infact that i'm starting to adopt patrick batemans way of thinking, a begger asked me for money i said 'no get a job' and then he said 'ok sweetheart have a nice night, you look beautiful tonight'<br />then i said ' i know' and walked off giggling. it's really not kosher.<br /><br />god, you know, i have lost half a stone being down here, my jeans are falling off me, my stomach is flat, my hips are shrinking. all i've done is not drink for about 4 weeks and the weight has just fell off. it's insane.<br /><br />there's a little vintage shop here and everything's £3. i got a black and gold minidress and black boots for £6 yesterday. SIX POUNDS. how amazing is that?<br /><br />today i also went into oxfam books and picked up taxi driver and pulp fiction from under £3 for both. i love having the freedom to just go where you want and do what you want with noone to judge you.<br /><br />on the phone to jamie last night we were both talking about glasgow, and how not just in glasgow, but any place you grow up in, you start to resent it, and a lot of the people in it. because it's cliquey. people know you just by association and they make their mind up about you from someone else talking about you. that's why it's good to come somewhere new and start afresh, noone knows you at first, and you can be completely yourself and you find that when you're not just going out to please everyone, then people respect you more and enjoy your company. i mean it's nice to please people sure, but theres a fine line between being a good listener and being a kiss ass.<br /><br />god what a long entry this has been. i seem to have the most to say at the least friendly of hours. but i guess that's when everything is quiet and all you have is the sound of your own thoughts.<br /><br />i don't want to be a sourpuss or anything, but this is my livejournal, if people whom i have as friends on it choose to show it to someone when they are mentioned in it then be my guest, but i wonder what you're getting out of it? i don't even know how you are but someone is blabbering about it, a bit sad really, but do it if you must, if it's really that interesting. i dont think it is. i just say whatever is on my mind at the time.<br /><br /><br />my mum is coming down on friday with HARRY and i'm so excited to see them both, this is the longest i've ever been away from my mum and it's horrible because we're so close, but it's gong to be amazing when i see her, and wee harry :)<br /><br /><br />i'm tired now after typing so much, i'm going to bed to finish reading about patrick batemans antics. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:22451 2007-07-20T17:58:51Z 2007-07-20T17:58:51Z take note: quoting lines from the virgin suicides does not make you look more intelligent, nor does taking blurred photographs of satchels and small print books. actually, you look like a twat. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:21864 2007-07-13T15:41:09Z 2007-07-13T15:41:09Z 'can i get two coronas with lime and your phone number?'<br /><br /><br />first night working at 5th ave last night. so much fun, the people are amaze amaze!! the boys down here too, oaft oaft oaft. very good. <br /><br />i had an interview today for the school of sound recording, it was so so scary! like proper formal. board meeting room with 2 people interviewing you. i think i did okay, apart from one part where i just froze and couldn't speak haha! i was still shaking when i came out!<br /><br />mm yeah :) working tonight then going to some alldayer thing tomorrow<br /><br />oh oh also. jamie is moving down here soon. PERTY.<br /><br />jelly beans = yum. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:21654 2007-07-11T17:00:43Z 2007-07-11T17:00:43Z oh. my. god.<br /><br />haha, i have a job interview for the school of sound recording!!! j<br /><br />fle;jinugbeuiwg<br /><br /><br />this is amazing. it's amazing!!<br /><br /><br />oh my god.<br /><br />3 jobs!!!<br /><br />all fun jobs for once!!<br /><br /><br />webwubf<br /><br />ARGH. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:21352 2007-07-10T22:14:00Z 2007-07-10T22:14:00Z i got a JOB!<br /><br />2 jobs!<br /><br />well one is voluntary, so not getting paid! but it will look so good on my cv.<br /><br />so i met rachael kelly for lunch on monday and we sorted out me going into the office a few days a week to help out with organising the dpercussion festival in manchester. woo! so good, there's so much to do and so little time! i don't really know what she needs me to do yet but i'm going in on thursday at 10am and i'm sure i'll find out then!<br /><br />i also got a job in a bar, just for some money really, so that's cool too. start there thursday night. so it's all go go go i guess! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:21116 2007-07-05T20:55:29Z 2007-07-05T20:55:29Z Elephant and castle- houston calls you know that way when you think something in your head and then someone repeats it aloud word for word? there's a word for it, i think? freakishly freaky, maybe. <br /><br />well anyway, houston calls are the offenders.<br /><br /><small>Rachel left home last night<br />The city sleeps through train lights<br />Stars in the sky are all that keep her alive<br />She packed up and ditched the town <br />That saw all her ups and downs<br />She severed all ties to start all over again<br /><br />Calling all tickets<br />The train leaves in minutes<br />Sits near the window <br />She turns her back on<br /><br />The city she once called home<br />The yard where she ran through snow<br />The streets driven up and down and through and through <br />The lot where she'd stare at stars <br />The porch nights she'd count the cars<br />They're all memories of simpler times now gone<br /><br />Thinking back to the first time <br />Her mom said, "I'll let you <br />Move on if you want to,<br />Remember I love you." <br /><br />"Please just go little girl", the city calls to her<br />This is your chance, this is your freedom<br />"Please don't go little girl", her father says to her<br />It won't work out, it won't be easy<br /><br />Holding back tears of joy <br />She steps out into the world<br />The city lights look just like they did on TV<br />She flails her arms <br />She runs both up and down the sidewalks<br /><br />Thinking back to the times when <br />She spent it all dreaming<br />Now she's found what she wanted<br />Found what she's needed<br /><br />"Please just go little girl",<br />the city calls to her<br />This is your chance, this is your freedom<br />"Please don't go little girl"<br />her father says to her<br />It won't work out, it won't be easy<br /><br />"Please just go little girl", <br />the city calls to her<br />This is your chance, this is your freedom<br />"Please don't go little girl",<br />her father says to her<br />It won't work out, it won't be easy<br /><br />Please let go little girl of everything you know<br />You start it now, you've started over. </small><br /><br /><br />ipod shuffle and a bus to 830a Stockport Road.<br /><br />i'd love to say things aren't working out for me as much as yuou want to hear it. sadly, i'm having the time of my life.<br /><br />i'm going for coffee with rachel kelly on monday in Kro, she is part of an events company called 'ear to the ground' who deal with festivals and music artist liasons, and stuff like that. i brass necked it and was a wee bit cheeky, e-mailed and asked if i could be a 'general dogsbody' at ear to the ground. she called me and i explained i was interested in the music industry greatly and was looking to get my foot in the door. she said she would be glad to help, and..well that's that really. so i'm really excited. something i actualyl want to do and can progress in.<br /><br />things are happening. <br /><br />hm, i should update this more, keep doing long ones! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:20812 2007-06-26T19:46:04Z 2007-06-26T19:46:04Z hi journal!<br /><br />so I'm into my second week in Manchester<br /><br />at the risk of sounding like a total hippy.. well i'm going to do it anyway. it's my journal, <br /><br />i feel like i have finally found peace with myself. I realise now that in Glasgow i was surrounding myself with some of the wrong kinds of people. don't get me wrong, i love every one of my friends up there, but there was a lot of negativity going around. One or two people maybe, who went out of their way to make my life more difficult and make my confidence levels sink to an all time low. One of these people- who i'm not going to name because it won't make me feel any better so there isn't any point- whom i was actually on the phone to the day before i left for Manchester and i told them ' you know you are part of the reason i'm leaving this town?!?'. I do regret saying it, but i feel i have put up with it for so long and i don't deserve it. <br /><br />a few people know how this person treated me, how manipulitive they were. how they brought me down, made me doubt myself, and manipulated me to actually think that I was the one in the wrong all the time. yet when it came down to it, when my other friends who knew the situation i was in were around her, they would pretend to be completely unaware.<br /><br />something i have also noticed in the past week since i have been gone, is that a friend of mine has been getting extra close with an ex of mine. and i mean close as in pals, nothing more. now i don't know if this is just a defense mechanism, something to spite me with because i left. i would be a dead-girl-walking if i was hanging with her ex for sure?<br /><br />but anyway, i'm not really angry about it, or her, or anything really. i'm safe in the knowledge that i don't have to settle for ill treatment. There are things out there that are more important than worrying why your friend is angry at you for no apparant reason every other day. maybe now that i'm not there anymore, she will change her ways, but people can only change if they want to change. and you can NOT change other people, no matter how hard you try, i've learned that, i have tried in the past to change myself, to stop arguing back, but then i felt my resistance was being taken advantage of. <br /><br /> so i changed my way of thinking, my way of dealing with why people are the way they are, and why they act the way they do. it all comes down to fear, it's human instinct that if you make another human being feel down, then out comes the almighty god complex that people confuse with inner happiness. when really there are other ways to deal with fear, whether it's fear of meeting new people, fear of what people think, fear of what you are going to do with your life. <br /><br />when you are presented with a chance to do something for yourself that you normally wouldn't do without persuasion, like moving to a new city, you learn that if you overcome fear, there is a massive weight off of your shoulders, and you are completely worry free.<br /><br />I am loud and have no problem talking to people...when i'm drinking. but when it came down to meeting new people without the aid of alcohol. completely impossible. my lack of confidence was so bad i couldn't even pick up the phone to call my own dad. sounds stupid. it is stupid i guess really. but there is a lot of awkwardness and tension between me and my dad and i guess i was just scared the of the worst happening when i call him.<br /><br />but after being forced to go out and make new friends, i called him. i asked how he was, just general chat really, no groundbreaking emotional conversations. but even little things like that make me a little bit happier. i set myself goals every day and i do them. i'm looking forward whatever happens next. i'm going to come back to Glasgow a much happier person. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:20557 2007-06-26T19:00:20Z 2007-06-26T19:00:20Z <a href="http://pics.livejournal.com/solong_astoriax/pic/00003kbk/"><img src="http://pics.livejournal.com/solong_astoriax/pic/00003kbk/s320x240" width="320" height="219" border="0" /></a>&lt;<p>ships in harbour are safe, but that's not what ships are built for. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:20460 2007-06-07T13:31:44Z 2007-06-07T13:31:44Z so i'm moving to manchester a week on monday<br /><br /><br />sorry glasgow. i feel like a traitor<br /><br /><br />but i'm moving in with my sister and i'm going to work for a magazine down there, everything's pretty much sorted.<br /><br /><br />we'll all need to go out beforehand and send me off properly :)<br /><br /><br />will be good to get away from a few things here, not that i don't love glasgow, i'm going to miss people so much. cara &lt;3 :( louise &lt;3 jade &lt;3:( all my friends. my mum, my brother, my dad. my house! my wee room! the cathouse! glasgow gigs. everything.<br /><br />but sometimes you need to seize an opportunity when it arises.<br /><br />i won't forget about anyone here and i'll make sure i keep in contact, come up and visit when i can.<br /><br /><br />xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:20150 2007-06-05T15:21:36Z 2007-06-05T15:22:17Z being jealous isn't really an acceptable excuse.<br /><br /><br />but aye<br /><br />life is good. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:19883 2007-06-03T22:17:35Z 2007-06-03T22:18:59Z cut! print it! - the starting line i feel like i'm being tread on by a marching band with size 11's<br /><br /><br />sometimes i wish i had a 'think logic' button on me somewhere, it's something there has been a lack of lately. this post probably only makes sense to me but that's okay because it's my journal, and typing is easier than talking.<br /><br /><br />there's a lot of people out there who are in it for themselves. and by 'it' i mean my life. i hate when people confide in me, i really do. i have so many secrets of other peoples in my head and i don't know if i can even trust myself to keep them. i wish people wouldn't tell me things to half their guilt. because it's more pressure i don't need right now. <br /><br />every guy i take an interest in ' i pure like you.. but macky..i can't, coz he said..' yeah, i know, because 'he said' to everyone. i really wish you would just leave me alone, i can't even stress how much you're making my life hell right now, and i've told you a million times to your face to stay out of my life and you don't listen. i don't expect you to not be in places i go, or talk to people i talk to. but honestly, there's no need to tell people to 'steer clear' of me. it's pathetic and you look like an idiot to be honest. what's done is done and it was your fault. i can't beleive you had the nerve to say to me on friday night that it 'wasn't really' your fault. oh! i'm sorry! which part of the lying to my face, or being aggressive was my fault? it was all you. i know you hate to admit it, and no amount of sorrys/ i miss you's in the world is going to change anything. you can only pull the pity act with other people for so long aswell, your friends are going to make you feel better, that's their job. but don't try and drag me down because you fucked up.<br /><br /><br /><br />i need new faces, new challenges, new surroundings<br /><br /><br />right now the bad outweighs the good and living in manchester with my sister has never sounded as appealing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:solong_astoriax:19601 2007-05-28T12:22:37Z 2007-05-28T17:41:52Z some of this post is pretty private<br /><br /><br />i think it's safe to say there is a human barrier preventing me from speaking to the male species. yeah. what are you trying to achieve exactly? you can't dictate my life, people will choose who they want to talk to and no amount of pestering on your part is going to stop it. got it? good. the more you do it, the more i am going to reciprocate.<br /><br /><br />i have a job interview tomorrow, for a finance company. i really hope i get this one, it would make me feel a lot better about myself, i'm really lacking in self confidence and motivation at the moment. as the days go by i am putting on more and more weight, i'm going to start swimming again aswell. and less cider.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i had the weirdest sensation through my body last night lying in my bed, it felt as though two people were trampling on me, like running over me when i was lying on my side, then i felt like i couldn't breath, i'm sure i saw a figuire or two just standing looking at me as well. i took a deep breath and everything became fuzzy and then slowly focused again once i scrambled to find the lightswitch. it wasn't a bad dream though<br /><br />i used to get this thing, called sleep paralysis, which is when your body and brain is asleep but your eyes are open and you can see but you can't move a muscle and nothing in your body will function until you close your eyes and go back to sleep. when i was around 12/13 it would happen every night without fail, and it was pretty terrifying because i had no idea what it was. i was having some real problems dealing with my dad and i couldn't sleep at all, i'd get about 2 hours sleep on a school night. i was going to see a psycologist because of panic attacks and such.<br /><br />wikipidia .<b> Physiologically, it is closely related to the paralysis that occurs as a natural part of REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which is known as REM atonia. Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the bodily paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully aware, but unable to move. In addition, the state may be accompanied by hypnagogic hallucinations.<br /><br />More often than not, sleep paralysis is believed by the person affected by it to be no more than a dream. This explains many dream recountings which describe the person lying frozen and unable to move. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision. </b><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />it seems likely this is whats happening again. but i dont have anything to worry about at the moment, well not anything as major as back then, so i don't know why it's coming back. unless maybe i just think that i'm better at dealing with things now, so i push them to the back of my mind. i really don't know though. i wish i could come to some sort of conclusion on this one but i really can't.