solong_astoriax

Im going to stop looking

So, around this time last year I moved to Manchester for a change. To get away from bad people and places, things and people that were making me ill.

When i think about my mindframe this time last year I actually can't beleive how much I've changed.

I was so unhappy with my so called 'friends' one in particular, Macky was making my life hell to say the least, and I was just sinking further and further into this depression. So I made the choice to get away from it all. Take the chance while I could. Some people were supportive, some were not so supportive. But I knew I had to do it.

I'm so glad i did. It changed me so much for the better, I did some stupid things, met some amazing girls, some amazing boys, some complete arseholes had good experiences, bad experiences and some downright crazy experiences andI wouldn't change one thing.

Moving away helped me find out things about myself, for myself. Without a second opinion. Whoever said that you always need a second opinion obviously never tried growing up with a friend who resented you and magnified every flaw you were self concious about. My breakthrough moment ( and I use the word breakthrough very, very loosely, because I hate it) was when in Manchester, living with my sister,literally about 4 days after I moved we were talking, and I don't know how or why but we got onto the subject of being happy. She asked me if i was happy with myself, I said, well nothing, because I burst into tears, It was those horrible hiccupy tears when you can't breath and talk. That was when i knew i needed to change. I went out, got a job i loved met loads of people and grew more and more confident.

I think just realisimg that i didn't have to pretend to be something i'm not and people would like me anyway. It was one of the hardest things to do, shedding this facade that I'd -unintentionally- put on over the past year. I think when i found out about Macky lying to me I put on this front as if i didn't care and wouldn't waste any time trying to get over what was a substantially solid, 2 year long relationship that went up in a puff of smoke in a metter of days. So I would go out,get completely hammered, sleep around to make myself feel better, end up feeling 10 times worse and inadvertantly do it all again the next night. It was a vicious circle. Overcoming that, and knocking down this brick wall i had built around me and letting people in was one of the bravest thiigs I have done, and no doubt one I'll never forget.

In November last year I moved back home. Glasgow. I remember my bus journey back here, the butterflies in my stomach. For the first time I was excited to be here. I felt like I had changed and I could put it to good use.

I got rid of my bleach blonde hair, i felt like it was overpowering me, i didn't need people to notice me that way. got a job that i LOVE and strated building my relationships again with close friends i've had in the past. what going away made me realise,friends who are real, true friends. The ones I feel completely at ease with, who make me feel happy, you can't fake it. and the friends who make you feel like crap aren't friends, and people grow apart. It's an easy assumption that if you've been friends with someone for nearly 10 years, and go to primary school. You get into the habit when you're a 10 year old girl of saying things like ''We'll be friends forever'' ands ''We'll grow old together and live together when we're older''

and I think that in itself creates a subconcious fear of losing that friend. It took me almost 10 years to realise that people grow apart. you're not the same person as when you were 10 years old when you're 19 and neither are your friends.

To Be continued.

I'm seriously considering dying my hair red.

not red like i had it last time, but proper red. ginge!

so bored of blonde hair, had it practically my whole life and i need something more mature and a bit different.

.

anyone know a good salon in glasgow to get colour done? cost isn't an issue, i just want it to be done well.

i want a flat in park circus.


but for the meantime, who wants to get a flat? or let me move in with them? i've started looking, theres loads! I want a nice one though.

when will i ever learn that the hangover from drinking tequila is like someone pouring vinegar into my eyesockets whilst clocking me on the head with a mallot

complete undeniable torture.

Happy New Year.

I remember doing a post after last new year. haha i was fucking oblivious to the fact 07 was going to be so crazy.



anyway, let's not fuck this one up.

I've decided I'm applying for University next year. I got good grades in my highers and it's time i put them to good use.

I just need to decide whether i want to study in Glasgow or Manchester. It's a big big decision because if it's somewhere i'm going to be living for the nex 3-4 years then I want to make the right choice

So the shortlist of the Uni's that look the best and have what I'm looking for are:

Glasgow:
University of the West of Scotland (Paisley Uni)
Glasgow Caledonian University
Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama(RSAMD)

Manchester:
Royal Northern College of Music (RNCM)
Manchester College of Arts and Technology (MANCAT)
Manchester Metropolitan University (MMU)

Quite a lengthy list eh? It's equal on both sides. like a damn circle!

Argh it's so hard!!

I lived in the student area in Manchester and it was a fucking riot every night. like amazing. So that would be the accomodation sorted there

But i don't want to end up going there then missing home! but then I might regret it If i don't take the chance to get out of here and I'm stuck for the next few years!

Can you say Catch 22?


I suppose this is why they have those Careers Scotland places. Might need to take a trip there before Christmas.

I'm thinking of going down for New Year, just depends if anything good is going on up here.

This is what you want. To marry a man who's good with his hands ;]



beauty.

There's so much to write i don't think the world wide web has enough space so i'm just going to be really breif.


moved to Manchester

6 months later moved back to Glasgow

had loads of time to think

some things or should i say, people have changed

things have changed

i miss some people that probably dont want to see me.



i feel as though i've made a proper effort since i got back here to see everyone that i want to but it seems a lot has changed and i feel as though everyone has kind of 'moved on' from me. i dunno maybe im being silly

anyways, if you're reading this get in touch if i've tried to get in touch with you coz i feel like a pure billy here now

:) x

blah blah blah


THIS is the kind of people you want to be living with 24/7.

where do i begin..

tuesday - liverpool - my actions your exit

was so so so rainy and wet ! typical northwest weather ! the gig was good, the van was smelly and doogus was steaming ! me doogus and macky ended up sleeping in the van outside this guys mansion which was practically in brookside btw ! woke up with a handbrake indented in my ribs. never saw brookside although on the bus i did see a street called brookside road ? i know it was called brookside close but still !!!

set your goals on wednesday was fucking awesome. i've never met such a posi crowd as the manchester ones. all dancing, noone gives a shit ! after the gig i met adrian outside and pondered what to do, so we waited for the band to finish packing all their gear away and then everyone went to some shitey pizza place, pure boxy ! about 40 of us all gambling for the last slice of pizza ! actually ridiculous. we all walked to 5th ave to go there but by the time we got there it was too late so waited about and adrian and steve got me a taxi back ! total sweethearts !

wednesday night was the last night i stayed in my sisters flat with her. i moved to fallowfield on thursday with 2 guys and 3 girls ! it's so so good having freedom to do whatever the fuck you want haha ! the contract for this flat is for a year aswell, so i'm definetly moved here now ! no going back !! until after next summer maybe!

uhm i'm really confused on the boy front and i hate myself for fucking it up with chris. he acts like he's okay with it to my face but he tells other people how bad it is etc etc. it is bad, but to be honest, if he didn't play it so cool in the first place then i wouldn't have thought he wasn't interested and i wouldn't have done that with his 'mate'.

anyway, plenty of other nice boys out there i'm sure who don't favour mindfucking as a method of dating. this guy last night at work held out his phone when i was serving him, he'd typed 'you are beautiful' it would have been really creepy if he wasn't so fucking cute! he looked like hellogoodbye singer :) so i took his phone and typed in my number, because that's the kind of boy you want !

i actually have the best job interview ever on tuesday and the boys will love it and the girls will hate it ! hahaha that's all i'm saying ! ;]

uhm anyway, i'm in a net cafe right now so fuck knows how much it is costing me to drivel on ! i don't know whether to go into work tonight or not, i know i really should but i need a night out. i'd get my arse kicked though. uggghh i dunno !

:D <3<3<3<3


'i've never met anyone quite like you before'

i hate your pretentious full stops everywhere. it's something not be toyed with.


. all you like but your not making lasting impression. '3 .'


right now i'm eating fudge and listening to jeff buckley.

i'm going to watch taxi driver on vhs and then maybe pulp fiction and smoke some cigarettes.


i have an interview tomorrow for the mint lounge, a burlesque club. exciting

the past week has actually been the weirdest ever

i was waiting at the bus stop to go to work and this blue corsa speeded past so fast that the wind caught my face and made my eyes sting, i found myself tutting ''for fucks sake'' aloud

anyway, whilst on the bus going down stockport road - the same long road that takes me into town - the bus stops and stalls for about 10 minutes continiously, and i'm wondering 'what the utter fuck', eventually the bus comes to a halt and loads of cars start overtaking into the bus lane, still oblivious to whats going on at this point.


so i look to the left of me onto the middle of the road and i see a girl (near dead) lying sprawled out in the middle of the road, you can tell from the way her body is bending all over the place that she has been thrown onto the ground with some force, knocked down maybe.

so i look at the surroundings and all the people causing a fuss around her, paramedics appear, then i see something right next to the scene. a car. what kind? a blue corsa.

theres so much more aswell thats happened aswell, a guy deciding to quit smoking whilst having a fag at a bus stop and giving me all his cigarettes haha, or this one guy who came up to me and started asking abouts my beleifs in god, he made me feel so guilty for what i beleive and i think that's really unfair. it wouldnt be that if athiests were to roam the streets preaching at people. also i left my tips at work tonight which pisses me off because i picked them up then got distracted again and went home.


at the moment i'm reading american physco by bret easton ellis. its such a good strong book, so strong infact that i'm starting to adopt patrick batemans way of thinking, a begger asked me for money i said 'no get a job' and then he said 'ok sweetheart have a nice night, you look beautiful tonight'
then i said ' i know' and walked off giggling. it's really not kosher.

god, you know, i have lost half a stone being down here, my jeans are falling off me, my stomach is flat, my hips are shrinking. all i've done is not drink for about 4 weeks and the weight has just fell off. it's insane.

there's a little vintage shop here and everything's £3. i got a black and gold minidress and black boots for £6 yesterday. SIX POUNDS. how amazing is that?

today i also went into oxfam books and picked up taxi driver and pulp fiction from under £3 for both. i love having the freedom to just go where you want and do what you want with noone to judge you.

on the phone to jamie last night we were both talking about glasgow, and how not just in glasgow, but any place you grow up in, you start to resent it, and a lot of the people in it. because it's cliquey. people know you just by association and they make their mind up about you from someone else talking about you. that's why it's good to come somewhere new and start afresh, noone knows you at first, and you can be completely yourself and you find that when you're not just going out to please everyone, then people respect you more and enjoy your company. i mean it's nice to please people sure, but theres a fine line between being a good listener and being a kiss ass.

god what a long entry this has been. i seem to have the most to say at the least friendly of hours. but i guess that's when everything is quiet and all you have is the sound of your own thoughts.

i don't want to be a sourpuss or anything, but this is my livejournal, if people whom i have as friends on it choose to show it to someone when they are mentioned in it then be my guest, but i wonder what you're getting out of it? i don't even know how you are but someone is blabbering about it, a bit sad really, but do it if you must, if it's really that interesting. i dont think it is. i just say whatever is on my mind at the time.


my mum is coming down on friday with HARRY and i'm so excited to see them both, this is the longest i've ever been away from my mum and it's horrible because we're so close, but it's gong to be amazing when i see her, and wee harry :)


i'm tired now after typing so much, i'm going to bed to finish reading about patrick batemans antics.

take note: quoting lines from the virgin suicides does not make you look more intelligent, nor does taking blurred photographs of satchels and small print books. actually, you look like a twat.

'can i get two coronas with lime and your phone number?'


first night working at 5th ave last night. so much fun, the people are amaze amaze!! the boys down here too, oaft oaft oaft. very good.

i had an interview today for the school of sound recording, it was so so scary! like proper formal. board meeting room with 2 people interviewing you. i think i did okay, apart from one part where i just froze and couldn't speak haha! i was still shaking when i came out!

mm yeah :) working tonight then going to some alldayer thing tomorrow

oh oh also. jamie is moving down here soon. PERTY.

jelly beans = yum.

oh. my. god.

haha, i have a job interview for the school of sound recording!!! j

fle;jinugbeuiwg


this is amazing. it's amazing!!


oh my god.

3 jobs!!!

all fun jobs for once!!


webwubf

ARGH.

i got a JOB!

2 jobs!

well one is voluntary, so not getting paid! but it will look so good on my cv.

so i met rachael kelly for lunch on monday and we sorted out me going into the office a few days a week to help out with organising the dpercussion festival in manchester. woo! so good, there's so much to do and so little time! i don't really know what she needs me to do yet but i'm going in on thursday at 10am and i'm sure i'll find out then!

i also got a job in a bar, just for some money really, so that's cool too. start there thursday night. so it's all go go go i guess!

you know that way when you think something in your head and then someone repeats it aloud word for word? there's a word for it, i think? freakishly freaky, maybe.

well anyway, houston calls are the offenders.

Rachel left home last night
The city sleeps through train lights
Stars in the sky are all that keep her alive
She packed up and ditched the town
That saw all her ups and downs
She severed all ties to start all over again

Calling all tickets
The train leaves in minutes
Sits near the window
She turns her back on

The city she once called home
The yard where she ran through snow
The streets driven up and down and through and through
The lot where she'd stare at stars
The porch nights she'd count the cars
They're all memories of simpler times now gone

Thinking back to the first time
Her mom said, "I'll let you
Move on if you want to,
Remember I love you."

"Please just go little girl", the city calls to her
This is your chance, this is your freedom
"Please don't go little girl", her father says to her
It won't work out, it won't be easy

Holding back tears of joy
She steps out into the world
The city lights look just like they did on TV
She flails her arms
She runs both up and down the sidewalks

Thinking back to the times when
She spent it all dreaming
Now she's found what she wanted
Found what she's needed

"Please just go little girl",
the city calls to her
This is your chance, this is your freedom
"Please don't go little girl"
her father says to her
It won't work out, it won't be easy

"Please just go little girl",
the city calls to her
This is your chance, this is your freedom
"Please don't go little girl",
her father says to her
It won't work out, it won't be easy

Please let go little girl of everything you know
You start it now, you've started over.


ipod shuffle and a bus to 830a Stockport Road.

i'd love to say things aren't working out for me as much as yuou want to hear it. sadly, i'm having the time of my life.

i'm going for coffee with rachel kelly on monday in Kro, she is part of an events company called 'ear to the ground' who deal with festivals and music artist liasons, and stuff like that. i brass necked it and was a wee bit cheeky, e-mailed and asked if i could be a 'general dogsbody' at ear to the ground. she called me and i explained i was interested in the music industry greatly and was looking to get my foot in the door. she said she would be glad to help, and..well that's that really. so i'm really excited. something i actualyl want to do and can progress in.

things are happening.

hm, i should update this more, keep doing long ones!

hi journal!

so I'm into my second week in Manchester

at the risk of sounding like a total hippy.. well i'm going to do it anyway. it's my journal,

i feel like i have finally found peace with myself. I realise now that in Glasgow i was surrounding myself with some of the wrong kinds of people. don't get me wrong, i love every one of my friends up there, but there was a lot of negativity going around. One or two people maybe, who went out of their way to make my life more difficult and make my confidence levels sink to an all time low. One of these people- who i'm not going to name because it won't make me feel any better so there isn't any point- whom i was actually on the phone to the day before i left for Manchester and i told them ' you know you are part of the reason i'm leaving this town?!?'. I do regret saying it, but i feel i have put up with it for so long and i don't deserve it.

a few people know how this person treated me, how manipulitive they were. how they brought me down, made me doubt myself, and manipulated me to actually think that I was the one in the wrong all the time. yet when it came down to it, when my other friends who knew the situation i was in were around her, they would pretend to be completely unaware.

something i have also noticed in the past week since i have been gone, is that a friend of mine has been getting extra close with an ex of mine. and i mean close as in pals, nothing more. now i don't know if this is just a defense mechanism, something to spite me with because i left. i would be a dead-girl-walking if i was hanging with her ex for sure?

but anyway, i'm not really angry about it, or her, or anything really. i'm safe in the knowledge that i don't have to settle for ill treatment. There are things out there that are more important than worrying why your friend is angry at you for no apparant reason every other day. maybe now that i'm not there anymore, she will change her ways, but people can only change if they want to change. and you can NOT change other people, no matter how hard you try, i've learned that, i have tried in the past to change myself, to stop arguing back, but then i felt my resistance was being taken advantage of.

so i changed my way of thinking, my way of dealing with why people are the way they are, and why they act the way they do. it all comes down to fear, it's human instinct that if you make another human being feel down, then out comes the almighty god complex that people confuse with inner happiness. when really there are other ways to deal with fear, whether it's fear of meeting new people, fear of what people think, fear of what you are going to do with your life.

when you are presented with a chance to do something for yourself that you normally wouldn't do without persuasion, like moving to a new city, you learn that if you overcome fear, there is a massive weight off of your shoulders, and you are completely worry free.

I am loud and have no problem talking to people...when i'm drinking. but when it came down to meeting new people without the aid of alcohol. completely impossible. my lack of confidence was so bad i couldn't even pick up the phone to call my own dad. sounds stupid. it is stupid i guess really. but there is a lot of awkwardness and tension between me and my dad and i guess i was just scared the of the worst happening when i call him.

but after being forced to go out and make new friends, i called him. i asked how he was, just general chat really, no groundbreaking emotional conversations. but even little things like that make me a little bit happier. i set myself goals every day and i do them. i'm looking forward whatever happens next. i'm going to come back to Glasgow a much happier person.